


Have Baggage Will Travel

by Glittering_Darmallon



Series: Have Baggage Will Travel [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Fantasy Racism, First Kiss, Fjord Needs A Hug, Former Sex Worker Fjord, Jester means well, M/M, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Underage, Post Episode 63
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-20
Updated: 2019-05-20
Packaged: 2020-03-08 00:27:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,268
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18884401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glittering_Darmallon/pseuds/Glittering_Darmallon
Summary: "Please understand. I'm not trying to be deceptive. Just let me figure out how the fuck to say it, and let me come to you. I will feel less like I've had something taken from me."- Fjord had asked for time, to come to Caleb on his own terms. Things didn't go exactly to plan, but conversations ensue.





	Have Baggage Will Travel

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to Jade over on the Widofjord discord for postulating such an interesting theory about Fjord's past that was just too good not to put into fic.
> 
> No actual underage content appears in this fic, it is just referenced - in the past. This is why I chose not to tag it as such. Please read with caution if this is a concern or trigger for you.

Fjord fought back a sneeze as a cloud of dust came free with the latest book he’d pulled off the shelf. How in the world was he supposed to know what Caleb meant by, “If you find something interesting, could you get it for me if it’s not too pricey?” Aside from books about magic...and smutty literature Fjord wasn’t sure what interesting to Caleb looked like. The Arcane, Fjord could and would certainly flip through to get a feel on it, but he drew the line at buying Caleb erotica. Especially with the leering gaze the shopkeeper had sent his way when their group had walked in. 

 

He shuddered and read the spine.  _ Elemental Flair: A Collection of Genasi Fairy Tales. _ Who or what were Genasi? Fairy Tales sounded interesting to him, so maybe Caleb would like that. Fjord held onto that one. 

 

The shop hadn’t looked this big from the outside, but if he had to guess, they’d been in here almost an hour. Where were Beau and Jester? He wagered they probably  _ had _ found the section of romances and dirty books. Hell, Jester was probably drawing dicks in the margins on the sly. 

 

On his first pass, he’d missed it, but now that he was looking with a more discerning eye, he noticed the shelf with several scrolls upon it. The first few he’d picked up, he recognized as spells that Caleb already knew, had seen him use in battle. So he kept digging for one that seemed perfect for Caleb. There, in the back lay one far dustier than the others. It had clearly been here a while.

 

As he unrolled it and read the title, he knew immediately that he needed to get this one. Anything named Alter Destiny practically had Caleb’s name written on it. 

 

“Hey, whatcha find?” Beau asked, clapping him on the back. He startled and almost dropped the items in his arms.

 

“Just some things that might fall under ‘Find me something interesting,’ for Caleb. Honestly, I don’t even know if he’ll like them. But worth a shot.”

 

Beau gave him a discerning nod. “Yeah, Jester found a bunch of dirty books. Think she’s gonna buy them all.”

 

“That would not surprise me.” He steeled his nerves for the inevitable conversation with the shopkeeper, and he was not wrong.

 

“My, my. You are much more handsome up close.” The human shopkeeper said behind a grin; The ogling was overt, to say the least.

 

“Yeah. Get that a lot. Anyway,” he said changing the subject without even blinking, “got some items here. Hey, Jester, you good to check-out?” She answered his question by dropping her stack of books on the desk with a thud. Fjord tried to ignore some of the titles. “So, how much for the lot of these?”

 

Long, pale fingers walked over the spines of all the books on the counter. “For these? I’d say normally, ten gold each, but since you are buying so many. We’ll say eighty gold for all ten.”

 

Jester rummaged through her haversack for her coin purse. “Here you are, there’s seventy.” Fjord handed her another ten. “Eighty.” 

 

The shopkeeper merely grinned (with far too many teeth showing) as he wrapped those eerie fingers around the pile of gold, dragging it back towards him before sweeping it off the counter into a lockbox. “Now, in regards to this scroll,” he drew out the end of the word as he unrolled and inspected the parchment. “My, my, you are a curious one aren’t you?”

 

“Yeah, so I’ve been told.”

 

“Such a rarity for your race.”

 

Fjord clenched his jaw, before adjusting his chin so that his tusks were hidden by his upper lip. “How kind of you.” 

 

He looked up as the bell above the front door chimed signaling another patron’s entrance into the store. “This is quite the powerful spell. For the scroll, that will set you back five thousand gold pieces.”

 

Fjord choked back his surprise with a cough, “Five thousand! Is that price negotiable? Are you amenable to a trade?”

 

The shopkeeper propped an elbow on the counter and rested his chin on his palm, that leering grin returning while he took far too long eying over Fjord’s entire frame. “Well now, it  _ is _ a strong magical item. Those do come with quite the hefty price tag, but if you had something magical to trade, I would be willing to knock the price down to forty-five hundred gold pieces.”

 

If it were merely something he wished to have for himself, Fjord would have politely declined. This, however, was for  _ Caleb _ , and though it took him a while to realize it, Fjord thought the world of him. The man was so impressive with the magic he wielded, and Fjord only wanted him to be able to grow and achieve his goals.

 

_ You know what that sounds like _ ?- the voice in his head asked. So he told that little voice to shut right the hell up.

 

“Still outside your price range, handsome? I have one final proposition for you and the scroll is yours. One night with me.”

 

Fjord’s stomach churned. “What would the nature of said night entail?” He wanted to leave, like pronto. Then, as fate was wont to do, something made him look over his shoulder to see Caleb standing a bit back from the group. So that was who had just entered. Great. The last person he wanted to see how far he would consider going to get Caleb what was needed.

 

The shopkeeper raised an eyebrow at him, one that asked ‘What do you think I meant?’ “Surely you could guess. I’d draw you a picture, but I am no artist.”

 

Fjord’s hand hovered over the scroll; a little voice in his head telling him to just leave. Leave already. But this could help Caleb. This spell might be the one that saves them all from a terrible death somewhere down the line _._ _No_ , the voice said, _don’t do this to yourself anymore. You are worth more than that._ Fjord cleared his throat. “I’m afraid I will have to decline. I am not in the habit of trading sexual favors for things I want. ‘m not a prostitute.”

 

“There’s nothing wrong with being a prostitute,” Jester said, her tone soft yet admonishing, as she lay a hand on his shoulder.

 

“Didn’t say there was, Jes, just that I wasn’t one.”

 

“Are you sure? I have always had a thing for orcs. So exotic, primal and in touch with their more savage nature. The way they simply must bite their partners. This one scroll for a few hours of your time.”

 

Fjord would probably look back on this moment later and be proud of his restraint at this moment, but right now? Right now he wanted to clock the man in the jaw.

 

“I mean I’d do it if he was interested, or I liked men. But he clearly wants you.”

 

“Yes, thank you for your support, Beau.”

 

The shopkeeper traced his fingers over the back of Fjord’s hand. “Your tusks are a bit small,” he tapped Fjord’s barely visible tusk, causing him to flinch, “but I bet you are still a biter. They all are.”

 

That was it. He was done. Without another word, Fjord turned on his heel and bolted out of the store.

  
  


***

 

Caleb had clearly walked into a tense situation when he arrived at the bookshop. The group had gathered around the counter while Fjord tried to negotiate a better price on a scroll. So he  _ had _ found one. 

 

Five thousand was too far above their means right now, and so Caleb pushed down his disappointment at the loss of a potential spell. There would be others. Still, he admired Fjord’s resolve to try an obtain a more reasonable price. Admired, that is until the shopkeeper offered a trade. Fjord’s body for the scroll.

 

Caleb wasn’t Caduceus; he didn’t notice  _ everything _ , but he was still quite observant. Like a rope pulling taut, Fjord’s shoulders tensed, squared. Caleb saw the subtle way he worked his jaw.

 

For a long moment, Fjord said nothing, clearly considering the offer. Caleb wanted to lay a hand on his shoulder and tell him to refuse. That it wasn’t worth it if it wasn’t something Fjord was comfortable trading, especially not for  _ him _ . Caleb knew he wasn’t worth that. A thought from a prior conversation came to the forefront of his mind.

 

_ You do what you have to do _ , he’d told Fjord. Then, Fjord slept with Avantika...twice. Had he- had he done that because he wanted to or because the group needed him to? Well, no. Now that Caleb thought about it, Fjord took quite a while to agree to it. Then they needed a distraction at the Overcrow, and the more Caleb thought about it, the more he came to realize Fjord didn’t seem all that thrilled with the idea when he agreed to it then either. They told him he needed to do it so he did. The realization turned his blood cold. 

 

Caleb looked up when Beau said she’d do it if she could just in time to see a wave of nausea flash over Fjord’s face before he schooled his features into that familiar mask of his. Caleb was about to interject on his behalf when the shopkeeper got far too familiar, but Fjord bolted out of the store without another word. 

 

“What did I miss?” Caleb asked, playing to the fact that only Fjord had noticed his arrival.

 

Beau gestured to the scroll on the counter. “Fjord was interested in that. Didn’t work out. Shopkeep said it’s a powerful spell. Not sure why he’d want it.”

 

“It was probably to help him deal with those dreams of his.”

 

“May I see it?” Caleb asked, and the shopkeeper handed it to him, hesitating only a moment.

 

“I do not extend my offer to you. You may look at this, but for you, it is five thousand gold pieces. No less.”

 

As he unrolled the scroll, Caleb knew exactly why Fjord had wanted it. Because Caleb had asked for him to look out for magic books. This spell would be everything he needed. With the power to go back and change one action, he could save his parents and-

 

Then he’d never meet Nott or the Nein. Never meet Fjord

 

Caleb needed to find him, thank him for considering the offer even for a moment. For  _ him _ . He handed back the scroll. “I see. That  _ is _ a powerful spell. To what offer are you referring?”

 

“Oh, he just said he’d give Fjord the scroll if he’d sleep with him,” Jester said like it was nothing. Then again, to her it probably was. Her mother had a transactional approach to sex; it seemed only natural Jester might see it as necessary sometimes.

 

“Clearly the spell wasn’t worth it. Too bad. He seemed really interested in it.”

 

Caleb rubbed his chin. “No, it wasn’t worth it.” 

 

They wrapped up their business in the bookshop and soon found themselves outside the storefront. Fjord was nowhere in sight.

 

“Where did he go?” Jester looked up and down the street.

 

“He couldn’t have gotten far. He’s not exactly fast. I bet he just popped into another store.”

 

Caleb patted Jester on the shoulder. “Do you think you could focus on his armor and locate it?”

 

“Oh to see where he went?  Sure.” Jester pulled out a forked twig from her haversack. Then, her eyes lit up with divine magic. “He went East. So, up this street?” 

 

“We should find him. I got a good look at his face when he left. He was not-” Caleb corrected himself, “He was upset.”

 

***

 

Fjord sagged against the wall of whatever alleyway he’d found himself in, sliding down the stone until he sat on the ground. His chest heaved; he’d booked it away from that store faster than he’d moved in...well a long time. Hopefully, he’d have a few minutes of peace before his friends found him. Unlikely, but a man could dream, right?

 

The smell of vomit wafted from the front of the alley to the back where he stood, and he found himself on the verge of throwing up again just from the scent of it. He thought he’d moved far enough away from where he’d lost his lunch all over the side of the building, but apparently not.

 

Fjord clawed at his scalp, crawling in his own skin. He’d sworn to himself when he’d woken up on that beach that his past life would never creep back into this one. Yet, for all his efforts, he kept falling back into that old, familiar routine. It had been years now since he’d left that life. Since Vandren found him and gave him a leg up

 

When he pulled his hands out of his hair, they shook, and no amount of clasping would still them. He’d been doing okay until the guy started talking about orcs, how he favored them. It wasn’t so much the things he said that was the last straw. Fjord had heard shit like that directed at him his whole life. Being called savage at this point was just another drop in an all-too-full bucket. The guy just  _ had _ to touch his teeth.

 

In a fit of frustrated anger, he kicked out at a piece of a broken crate that littered the alley, sending it flying. What in the Nine Hells was it with people and his gods damned tusks?

 

***

 

Through Frumpkin, Caleb surveyed the winding maze of streets as he held onto Beau’s shoulder while she led him along. He’d been careful to follow along as far behind him as he could and still maintain the connection. When he caught a whiff of vomit through Frumpkin, he fought back the urge to gag and sent him towards the foul scent. 

 

It looked fresh. So he sent Frumpkin down the alley, hugging the shadows. There, at the end, obscured by crates, sat Fjord, head buried in his knees. Caleb held Frumpkin back just to observe, to listen. He picked up the muffled sound of sniffling and made a choice. He told Frumpkin to move towards Fjord, slow as not to startle him. When he’d moved within reach, he nuzzled against his leg.

 

Fjord lifted his head enough to see and unmistakable, golden eyes, red-rimmed and damp peered back at Frumpkin before he buried his face once more. So Caleb instructed Frumpkin to be more persistent, this time worming his way into Fjord’s lap. His friend was in obvious distress, suffering, and comfort via familiar was all he could offer at the moment. Still, Caleb expected Fjord to shoo Frumpkin away, but he scratched between his ears.

 

“I know you’re watching this, Caleb. And if it’s all the same to you, I really don’t want to talk about this through your cat. See me when you get home. I’ll…” Fjord took a shuddering breath and wiped his eyes. “I’ll tell you  _ everything _ .”

 

Frumpkin raised up and pushed his face against Fjord’s chin before Caleb snapped him back into the pocket dimension where he usually resided.

 

“Well?” Beau looked at him with confusion.

 

“'Well' what?”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Did you find him?”

 

“Oh that.  _ Ja _ .”

 

“And?”

 

“He’s fine. Let’s go home.”

 

Beau did not seem to agree with his assessment of the situation but went along with his decision anyway.

 

*** 

 

Caleb didn’t know why he expected Fjord to be in his room when the rest of them returned home. The room, just like the last time he’d been in it, was empty. So he sat down on the edge of the bed and busied himself with the book Fjord had so kindly purchased for him earlier that day.

 

He knew for sure that he didn’t expect Fjord to take the better part of two hours to make his way back to the Xhorhouse, and he certainly didn’t expect him to crawl in through the window. How the man even fit through it mystified him. “Don’t get stuck,” he said, turning the page, not looking up. “I am not sure I’d be able to pull you free without help. Trying to explain why you were sneaking in your own window would be difficult.”

 

With a little wiggling, Fjord hoisted himself through the window and landed on the floor, unscathed but out of breath. “In hindsight, that was not my brightest idea.” He dusted himself off.

 

“Climb up the side of the house did you?”

 

Fjord rubbed his chin. “Not exactly. Tied the rope in my bag to a belaying pin and chucked it over the balcony railing.” Caleb looked up from his book and cocked an eyebrow at him. Fjord groaned, “Look, I know I’m not the strongest member on our team, but I am more than capable of climbing a damn rope. I’d have been a piss poor sailor if I couldn’t.”  He dropped his bag on the floor and stripped out of his armor until he was down to a tunic and those ridiculous leggings he liked to wear. Ridiculous, but they left little to the imagination.

 

“Then it was just a matter of gripping the roof and shimmying across the trim to my window. Easy as pie.” Fjord must have noticed the incredulity in Caleb’s face because he corrected himself. “Okay fine. I almost fell off three times. That would still have been preferable than going through the front door and being grilled on what happened. I just- I wanted to talk to  _ you _ about this. Not them.”

 

Caleb opened his mouth, just about to ask ‘Why me?’ when Fjord began to search his room: inspecting the wall behind the headboard of his bed, running a hand along the baseboards, checking around the doorframe, the window, under the bed. “What are you doing?”

 

“Looking for that gods damned peephole.” 

 

“The what?”

 

“Look, it’s hard for me to tell when Jester is being serious or merely joking. She said she was going to put a peephole into my room. She was probably joking, but if not... One, we’re moving this conversation to your room. Two, I’m gonna be pissed as fuck and her and I are going to have a serious talk about boundaries. I’ll start the conversation with a request that she not do shit like that anymore and then end with telling her not to call me Oskar ever again.” 

 

“I think she was joking, but if you would feel more comfortable, we can take this to my room instead.”

 

Fjord flopped down face-first onto his bed. “No. Yasha, Beau, and Jester are all in the training room. We wouldn’t manage to escape at least one of them seeing. No, this is. This is okay.”

 

Caleb set the book on the bedside table. “Thank you for this, by the way. It’s been an interesting read so far. How much do I-”

 

Fjord waved him off. “Consider it a gift,” he said with a soft grin, the tips of his tusks sticking out above his upper lip. “Least I can do for making you endure the awfulness that is going to be this conversation we’re about to have.”

 

“Why do you say that? Your conversational skills are quite skilled.”

 

Fjord let out a sheepish chuckle. “Not what I meant.”

 

Caleb sat cross-legged in front of Fjord, mirroring his position on the bed. He patted Fjord’s knee. “I extend my previous offer. If it would help, _mein_ _Herzenfreund_ , I can tell you about my past first.”

 

Fjord went silent for a long minute. “That’s a tempting offer, but if I don’t get this out now I never will, and shit like today will just keep happening.” 

 

Caleb nodded, giving Fjord the time to work up the courage or feel safe enough to begin. It was hard to tell. After several long minutes in which he’d watched Fjord’s shaking hands pick at his claws, the threads on the quilted blanket atop his bed, the hem of his tunic, Caleb reached out, hovering his hand above Fjord’s. He gave him enough time to pull away if he wanted to, but instead, Fjord’s head gave a tiny nod, so small that if Caleb hadn’t kept his full attention on him, he would have missed it. He covered Fjord’s hand with his own, and soon, the trembling stilled.

 

A heavy silence fell over the room only to be shattered when Fjord took in a shaky gulp of air. 

 

***

 

Vandren’s accent had become like a security blanket, a second skin by now. To just willingly drop the act, felt not only like a betrayal but like deciding to take a walk down the street in his birthday suit, so bare and vulnerable it made him feel ill. 

 

“They taught us to speak this way, said it made us sound civilized, proper... acceptable. Not like the worthless unwanted brats we were.” Fjord licked his lips as he willed his nerves to calm themselves down. It was futile; he knew that, but it was worth a shot. Despite Caleb’s hand trying to still his own, Fjord felt that nervous shaking in his gut working its way back out until he was vibrating out of his own skin. “I know it’s a silly question, your mind being as sharp as it is, but what is your earliest memory, Caleb?”

 

Without sparing a moment to pause, Caleb said, “My mother singing me a lullaby. I was quite young, an infant I suppose.”

 

A good memory then. That’s nice; Caleb deserved pleasant memories. Fjord worked the next words over in his head. They stung like a fresh wound even though they were about twenty-eight years old. “Mine was one of the wardens at the orphanage telling me that I wasn’t good enough the way I was and that they were going to have to change me in order for me to have any worth as a person. That someone  _ somewhere _ took one look at me and decided that a swamp pig half-breed wasn’t a worthy child to raise. So they left me, barely a week old, on the steps of the orphanage. I had parents for a  _ week _ .” Fjord slipped back into Vandren’s accent. “What kind of person tells a child this?”   He tapped out a shaky rhythm on his thigh. “They didn’t even give me a name.”

 

“Your parents?”

 

“No, well yes, them too. But the orphanage. All the other children were mostly human or half-elf. They  _ needed _ names so the staff could differentiate between them. Me? They just called me the Ogre.”

 

“Children can be cruel.”

 

Fjord barked out a wet laugh before pressing his hand over his mouth to stop the sound from turning into a sob. “Children, caretakers, the poor excuse for tutors they had come in and teach us the bare minimum for us to be functional adults. I was just the Ogre. Only picked ‘Fjord’ when learning to sail. I liked the symbolism of it, water being able to shape and adapt, carve out a place for itself despite obstacles in its way.”

 

Caleb gave his hand a squeeze, and Fjord’s heart skipped a beat. “They’re majestic, though difficult to navigate I hear. Kind of like you.”

 

“I swear if you say I have layers-” The corner of Fjord’s mouth drew up in a slight, crooked grin. 

 

“Wouldn’t dream of it. I only meant to imply your water runs much deeper than it appears. It suits you.”

 

“Thanks. In an orphanage, once you reach a certain age, they kick you out when you reach adulthood. But um...I learned later, but half-orcs apparently mature faster than humans. At the time, I thought they were just sick of looking at me because I was younger than the other kids they sent on their way. I sure didn’t feel old enough to take care of myself. That’s for damn sure.”

 

The closer he got to the really shitty stuff the tighter his skin became. It was too small for him, or Fjord was too big for it. Hard to say, but he felt like he was splitting at the seams. “They didn’t give me any money. I guess if I hadn’t been so clumsy, so damn chubby I might have tried being a thief. But if you hadn’t noticed, I don’t have light fingers. I tried to find a job. I was young, fairly strong. Surely there was work for an able-bodied kid like me.” He shrugged. “I was eager to prove my worth, willing to do the real menial shit. Cleaning floors, stables, tending to animals.  _ Anything _ . No one wanted to hire me. Monsters can’t be trusted after all. I might have eaten their children.” He rubbed his forehead to keep from looking at him; the thought of actually looking at Caleb and seeing agreement was terrifying, even as unlikely as it was.

 

“There was this crate behind a cobbler's shop, big enough to hide me if I pushed it away from the wall. That’s where I chose to sleep. The overhang kept me dry, and the alley was dark enough to keep me from being seen. Water, I could find, but after a week… Fuck, man. I was so hungry I was digging through the trash. But it’s hot on the coast. Makes food spoil real fast. Made myself pretty sick doing that. Someone dropped a coin purse in the market. I know I should have returned it, but the way I saw it I  _ needed _ that money.” He fell back on the bed laughing at the irony of it. “Turns out it only had two silver in it. But it got me food for two more weeks.” 

 

“Being hungry is a hard thing to bear.”

 

“Oh yeah. You and Nott were in a rough place when we met, weren’t you? She ate the cucumbers from the floor. I know that desperation.”

 

“We weren’t as bad off as you might think. That’s just the way Nott is sometimes.”

 

Fjord pressed his palms to his eyes. He could feel tears just waiting for him to open the floodgates. And he would not, absolutely not. No one would ever care about his problems as much as he did. Other people did  _ not _ get to see him break down. “When they kicked me out I was a fat kid. In less than a month, practically skin on bones.”

 

Fjord opened his mouth to continue, but his stomach had other plans. “I... need- Give me a minute!” He tore out of his room and made for the empty bedroom across the hall, spilling the rest of whatever was left in his stomach after he painted that alleyway with vomit into the washbasin. He wiped at his mouth with the hand towel on the vanity and stared at himself in the mirror hating absolutely everything about his reflection. How often had his entire value as a person been reduced to only the way he looked?

 

Objectively, he knew he was what people considered handsome, once they got past the orc thing. You heard something often enough, you started to believe it, or at least accept it as some kernel of truth. Well hell, he’d take being something “exotic” instead of being called an animal. But right now? He’d take a war pick to his face if it kept him from ever being called handsome again. 

 

He wanted someone to see the qualities beneath the green skin and tusks. Hard worker, yeah that was a good one. It was an admirable quality, one he was proud of. He could stay on task for the most part (when his curiosity didn’t get the better of him), logical. It was no secret he had a way with words. Came with the territory he supposed. Tell people what they want to hear and they were usually less likely to beat you. And he cared. He fucking cared so gods damned much about people he was close to. He cared- 

 

_ Breathe. Just keep breathing. In. Hold. Out. Hold. Repeat. _

 

He cared. He cared about Caleb, more than he had about anyone in his life. And Caleb... appreciated him. Cared enough to get to know him. Fjord used to think Vandren cared, but the more he learned about the man, the more Fjord saw himself as just another member of the crew. Vandren had never told Fjord he was appreciated, asked if he was doing okay. Tough love might work for some people, but if you’ve never been shown love of any kind- The dams burst on his eyes and fat, hot tears rained down his face.

 

Fuck it, he thought. If he was ever going to allow himself to fall apart in front of another person, it was now. Vandren’s advice be damned.  Sobbing, he staggered back to his room. “Could you- could you do that magic lock thing on my door,” he sobbed and crashed onto his bed heaving as he wept. 

 

***

 

When that minute Fjord requested turned to five, Caleb considered leaving, thought Fjord had bailed on the rest of the conversation. Still, he could be patient. Whatever it was that his friend was trying to say was clearly difficult, and based on where their conversation had stopped before Fjord ran out of the room, Caleb had an idea what exactly would come next. It was the logical answer. However, it was also the most heartbreaking.

 

The door to the room burst open revealing a sobbing Fjord, his hair disheveled, the darkest part of his skin no longer that deep, forest green with which Caleb had become acquainted. It was pale, almost matching the lighter tone on his lower face, which was now- 

 

Caleb was getting ahead of himself. Fjord looking pale at the moment was not the more pressing issue.

 

“Could you- Could you do that magic lock thing on my door?”

 

“Of course,” Caleb said as Fjord collapsed onto his bed. It was simple enough, and the hefty amount of gold dust required...well it was worth it.  _ Fjord _ was worth far more than that.

 

Once complete, Caleb sat back down on the bed, the urge to rub the skin of Fjord’s bare arm to offer at least a modicum of comfort strong. “Fjord, _Herzenfreund_ , can I do anything to help you right now? You are suffering, and I wish to-”

 

Fjord had curled into a ball but nodded. “Please,” he choked out.

 

Caleb reached out and rubbed what he hoped were soothing circles into Fjord’s upper arm. “Shh. Just work on breathing. Can you do that? I’m not going anywhere. Continue when you’re ready.”

 

Though it took almost thirty minutes, twenty-nine minutes thirty-six seconds to be exact, but eventually Fjord calmed down and sat up. The tears, however, they persisted.

 

“I was desperate at that point. When you have exhausted all other options and survival is on the line, you have two options: Die...or sell yourself.” Fjord picked at his tusks, and Caleb with gentle fingers and the most tender touch he could muster pulled his hand away from his mouth and wrapped his own hand around Fjord’s. 

 

"So in Hupperdook when you said you'd only been with one person…"

 

"I lied, okay?” Fjord laughed, wet and thick with emotion, “You think I want everyone knowing this?"

 

“No. I was- I shouldn’t have asked. I’m sorry.”

 

“When people find out I was so useless a person the only way I didn’t starve to death was by whoring myself out, one of two things tends to happen. They either quit seeing me as someone of value, worth care and kindness. Or they look at me with disgust and so much fucking pity. I... I can't have that happen here. I can't, Caleb."

 

“I will do my best to make sure that doesn’t happen.”

 

“I didn’t lie about my first experience though. It wasn’t anyone special. I don’t even remember his face, just that he was so much older than me, and I…”

 

“How old were you?”

 

“Not old enough. Let’s just leave it at that.”

 

“It’s starting to become clear why you haven’t really flirted back with Jester then. The age difference too much?”

 

“Among other reasons. I don’t want to get into that. Not right now anyway. Look, you heard the way that shopkeeper was talking to me earlier?”

 

“Wish I hadn’t but yes.”

 

“That sort of shit was the norm. I didn’t get the customers that were just looking for companionship, the ones that were lonely but otherwise good to me.  _ That _ I could have lived with. No. I just got the ones who wanted an orc so they could satisfy a curiosity, then go back to their regular lives and telling people they fucked a mudhog once and treated him like the animal he was. You name a slur for my kind I’ve heard it directed at me.”

 

Caleb looked down at their joined hands. He hated when his suspicions were proven right sometimes. Didn’t make it easier to hear, however.

 

“Like Jester, I think she has this idea in her head that every prostitute has a life like her mom does. I would have killed for a life like that. On the bottom though? The only similarity is that we’re both paid for sex. For Marion? If things step out of hand, there are guards to step in, to protect her. Me? I just got paid hardly anything for people to pretty much do whatever they wanted with me.”

 

Once more, Fjord began to pick at his teeth. Only this time, when Caleb tried to stop him, Fjord batted away his hand. “I lied about the exact reason I started doing my own dental work. Got one broke off during sex by a customer who wanted to grab onto them as she-” Fjord waved his hand as if that would explain things. “Well, you get the idea. Pulled so hard she snapped one. After that, hell if I was keeping them around anymore.”

 

“It’s not like I could do anything about it either. I needed that money, or I was gonna die. It’s like every sick fucker in Port Damali decided to take out their worst sexual fantasies on me. Okay not everyone, but you get the idea. Once, I got choked out by um a client." Fjord rubbed at his neck as though he could still feel hands around it. “I think he just wanted to strangle me. Pretty sure he thought he killed me. And he said some of the exact same things that asshole in the bookstore did. After that, I sort of just turned my brain off during it all. I wouldn’t have survived if I didn’t, I don’t think” 

 

Caleb wanted to hug him so badly he ached with it. So he took a risk, a calculated one. Waited until Fjord met his gaze and held open his arms. Fjord practically melted into Caleb’s shoulder, sobbing once more.

 

"What the hell was I gonna do anyway? Fight him off? How? I'm weak, a runt with ineffective slaps...a beanpole" Caleb winced when Fjord grabbed Caleb’s shirt, pulling on some of his chest hair. "I’ve been bitten, used, beaten. Not much I could do. I didn’t want to die. So I… put up with it. Thought it was all I was ever going to be good for. Resigned myself to it.”

 

"Avantika was that more of something you wanted or thought you had to?" Caleb hated himself for even asking, hated himself more for likely putting the idea in Fjord’s head.

 

Fjord sat back and shook his head. "I told the truth. I thought it was the only way to keep our group safe."

 

"You didn't want her?"

 

"Not at all, and I didn't want to sleep with her, either time. It was about survival. Specifically speaking, if I had the choice... I don’t fancy women. It's-" He scratched his arm. "You do what you have to do, right?"

 

"No.” Caleb took Fjord’s face in his hands, brushing tears away with his thumbs, “ If I'd have known I'd never-"

 

"If I'd have known Nott drowned, I wouldn't have made her get in the water. Life's just like that. Too short to waste time on 'Woulda's'."

 

"Have you never…"

 

"Never what? Enjoyed myself during sex? Been with someone I wanted to sleep with? Been with someone who actually cared about me?” Fjord averted his gaze and licked his lips. When he did finally answer, his words were barely above a whisper, “No.” He nodded, “There have been a couple of fellas I’ve wanted to be with, but... can’t always get what you want.”

 

At a loss for any further comforting words, Caleb pulled him into another hug. Then, after a steadying breath, he told Fjord about his parents, about Trent.

 

***

They were both crying by the time Caleb finished divulging the horrible truth about himself. Clinging to each other like they were the only thing keeping the other’s head above water, Fjord said, “You told me it wasn't my fault about Molly. Well, let me return the favor, Caleb. It wasn't your fault that monster brainwashed you into believing your parents were traitors and what you did to them. You were a child and he knew that, used that... Manipulated you."

 

Caleb opened his mouth to protest, but Fjord sat back and held up a finger to silence him. "None of that. Even someone as brilliant as you can fall victim to that. None of us are immune to the shitty actions of others."

 

" _ Ja. _ I know, but it’s one thing to hear it. It’s another to believe it.”

 

Fjord pressed his forehead to Caleb’s. “Do me a favor? Next time one of our friends suggests me and my,” he worried his bottom lip between his teeth, “appearance as a distraction... right the ship?”

 

“I will.”

 

“Because if you don’t, I’m just going to keep falling back into that pattern of survival. If I do, not sure I’ll be able to pull myself out this time. Not if the safety of other people is on the line. I don’t want that life I had to ever come back.”

 

Caleb raked his fingernails over the short hair at the nape of Fjord’s neck. “We're both scarred and a little broken, but I said I appreciate you, and I meant it."

 

“You know? You are the first person to hug me in... shit feels like forever. You are sure as hell the first person to ask if they can touch me in years. So thank you.”

 

“I didn’t-”

 

“You didn’t need to say the words. I knew what your hesitation was. You were waiting for me to accept the, I don’t know, affection?”  Caleb moved his hands back to Fjord’s face to cup his cheeks as though he were something precious.  “Yeah. I, um. You too. I mean, yeah I appreciate and care about you, too. More than that even. I- Shit.” He clamped a hand over his mouth, but couldn’t stop the smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. “If you want you can just never mind that last bit.”

 

“ _ Goldig! _ ” he gave Fjord’s cheeks a little squish. “I will not,” Caleb said with a smirk, his eyes darting to Fjord’s mouth and back up to meet his eyes, before returning to his lips.

 

Fjord could only muster a shaky, “Yes, please,” in response before Caleb pressed his lips to Fjord’s. Not a long enough kiss by far, yet, if he’d have been standing, he’d have been weak in the knees. So brief, but it stole his breath nonetheless.

 

“I appreciate you,” Caleb’s blue eyes stared into his soul, “ _ all _ of you, rough past included." It felt as though all the blood in Fjord’s body had rushed to his face at that moment. Caleb tapped his cheeks. “ _ This _ looks good on you.”

 

Giddy and out of breath, Fjord damn near giggled. “I would really like to kiss you again.”

 

“So what are you waiting for?”

 

***

 

Fjord finally broke the kiss and rested his forehead against Caleb’s. “Since we’re being so honest here, Uk’atoa is being an impatient dick. I- I don’t want to release him. Strictly speaking, I don’t even remember making this damned pact. For all I know it was ‘You want to live? Then you will help me.’ Hell, I probably thought I was hallucinating from no air.” He sighed. “Pretty stupid of me now that I think of it.”

 

Caleb stroked his cheek. “Not really. Your will to survive is strong. It could probably sense that.”

 

“The day we got the house…”

 

“When you woke up and fled the room?”

 

Fjord chuckled. “Guilty as charged. Uk’atoa took away my powers for most of that day.”

 

“I suspected as much when you left your falchion on the bed, and well I pretended to be asleep. You were shaking for a long time when you returned.” Caleb felt it best to leave out the detail that he knew Fjord remained awake for a good three hours before falling asleep. Some things were best left unsaid.

 

With a long-suffering sigh, Fjord said, “I’m... useless in a fight without them. I’m not strong. My sword attacks would be like nothing. I’m not nimble like Beau or Not. So I couldn’t even learn to use something else like a bow. Without these powers, I am a gods damned liability in a fight, Caleb. It’s terrifying as shit.”

 

“We are all a family now, and family should protect each other.”

 

“That’s what I’m sayi-”

 

Caleb pressed a finger to his lips. “Shh,  _ Schatz _ . I was talking about the rest of us making sure that you are safe. I tried to do that against the chasme, did I not?”

 

Fjord nodded, pressing a kiss to Caleb’s index finger that remained against his lips. 

 

“Well then. Let’s see. It is,” he thought a moment, “only about five in the evening. So get up, and come with me, please.”

 

Fjord stumbled out of bed, hurrying to put on his armor- but Caleb stopped him. “What? I always wear my armor.”

 

“Yes, you do. But it is nice to see you unguarded. Perhaps just casual clothes.”

 

It took a bit more convincing, but Fjord obliged and followed Caleb out of the room. They made it to the front door before any of their friends noticed them.

 

Jester grinned. “Oh, are we going out?”

 

“No, we," he gestured to FJord and himself, "are going to obtain wizard supplies, and there is no need for everyone to come along.”

 

“But shouldn’t you bring someone strong if you are attacked?” 

 

Though he couldn’t see him, Caleb swore he could feel Fjord tense up beside him. “No, that won’t be necessary, Nott.” He produced a bit of flame in his hand. “We are capable of taking care of ourselves, and Fjord has that handy trick to get us away in a pinch. I do appreciate your concern, however. We won’t be long.”

 

Once outside, Caleb reached down and took Fjord’s hand, intertwining their fingers. Fjord’s near full body blush was hard to miss. “I, um, I like this. Feels nice,” he said, a tiny smile playing on his lips. “Where are we going?”

 

“If Uk’atoa is going to act like a petulant child and take away your toys, I’m just going to have to train you to be a wizard.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

Caleb brought their joined hands up to his lips and kissed the back of Fjord’s hand. “Just like that.”

  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you Luna for help with the German in this:
> 
> Herzenfreund: a really trusted and close friend. Herz means heart, so 'a friend of the heart could be the translation'  
> Goldig!: "how cute!"- colloquial  
> Schatz: darling/sweetheart


End file.
